A LIFE OF WORK IN PROGRESS

MY APOLOGIES 

A few years back, I penned an article on the significance of forgiveness and the necessity of releasing resentments.

I have chosen to delve deeper into forgiveness, recognising that it is a continuous journey that requires ongoing effort.

I sincerely apologise to anyone who perceives my explanation as oversimplifying the situation. 

In all honesty, I thought I had successfully let go of my resentments, only to realise that there are still many triggers that bring me back to the traumas of my past.

This is why I need to explain further that forgiveness is a continuous journey of growth and development.

MY STORY

The depths of our subconscious can unearth pleasant and painful memories from our past experiences. 

My memories are clouded by the negative experiences, overshadowing any positive moments that may have occurred.

It almost seems like a fantasy to hear about individuals who experienced a joyful and carefree childhood, free from the constraints of imposed beliefs, and surrounded by families who nurtured positive thinking and behaviours. 

As I grew from a child to a teenager, I found that not much changed in how I was treated – I was still seen as a child. I felt I could never truly evolve or connect with anyone as I was too broken.

When I wasn’t at school or church, I found myself confined indoors. The only moments of freedom I can recall were when my aunt, a sports teacher, would visit. Her presence brought me the attention and love I craved.

With Aunt Maria around, I could always count on a good time, as she adored spending time with teenagers.

As the scales tipped towards more bad times than good, I embraced pessimism and could not see the silver lining in any situation.

This became my reality.

I genuinely believe in the power of thoughts shaping our reality, as I constantly anticipate the worst in every situation.

Living without genuine friendships to share experiences made me feel like this was the only way my life was meant to be, like a never-ending curse.

Naturally, my outlook on the world was tainted by a tough beginning when forming connections with others. 

I struggled to express my genuine emotions and thoughts, keeping them inside. A sense of gloom and uncertainty overshadowed my adolescence.

After years of psychological therapy, I realised that true healing required my active participation. I had to take control of my journey towards self-improvement and self-acceptance.

Do we hold the parent accountable for allowing us to endure such suffering, and do we point fingers at the siblings who made our lives hell?

I continued to bear this weight into adulthood, coming to terms with the belief that it was my fault for being born.

Could it be a hereditary hex passed down through the ages? It was a possibility.

Navigating through life without confronting this issue left me shattered, wounded, enraged, and self-destructive.

DEFECTIVE BEHAVIOURS

Many innocent individuals suffered due to my misguided belief that the world owed me something for my sad and lonely existence.

I regret ever entering relationships, allowing the negativity of others to influence my mindset, ultimately turning me into a detached and emotionless person.

Succumbing to the illusion of safety by building walls around yourself only leads to missing out on potentially rewarding experiences, regardless of others’ opinions.

The outcome of my relationships unfolded as I anticipated; I allowed the opinions of others to influence my decisions, leading to destructive behaviours that ultimately sabotaged any chance of finding true happiness.

As a young girl, I was unfairly burdened with the negative experiences of others, leading me to view everyone with suspicion before giving them a chance to prove their innocence.

In my previous research, I emphasised the importance of examining the behaviours of our ancestors. Through this exploration, we can see that they did not seek to change the status quo but instead accepted their dysfunction as a normal part of life.

Each woman had been conditioned to adhere to a predetermined path, leaving them with no opportunity to enact change as the harm had already been inflicted on them.

Each new generation sought to revolutionise how they raised their children, only to realise that they were inadvertently rebelling against their upbringing, striving for their children to be different.

Old habits are indeed challenging to shake. Not only were they persisting in physical and verbal abuse, but they were also providing a catalyst for rebellion and self-destruction.

They put in their best effort, just like their parents before them, but unfortunately, they could not find a harmonious resolution to the issues at hand.

SACRIFICES

My journey veered down a dark road of self-destruction, self-pity, and deep-seated resentment, fuelled by defiance, anger, and rage towards the hardships that clouded my life. 

I denied myself the experience of fully embracing my womanhood. I chose to remain unmarried and childless due to my flaws in attitude and behaviour. I refrained from embracing others in my unhappy world to prevent causing harm to their lives.

Although it was a selfless and heartbreaking choice, I am sure I made the correct decision based on my challenges.

I put an end to the cycle by choosing not to have children who would share my genetic defects.

My psychiatrist mentioned that there was a possibility my children could have inherited my mental illness, but that didn’t necessarily mean I would have made a lousy parent. 

In my mind, It is wiser to prevent than to treat.

If only I possessed the knowledge, wisdom, and power I hold now, I might have had a fighting chance. 

I spent too much energy on the opinions of others, ignoring my Father’s advice to let go of their words and thoughts and live my life.

I allowed too many people to have too much control over me. I hold myself accountable for letting them disrupt my life, knowing that the power to overcome was always within me.

There’s no way to rewind time, so I must embrace who I am and keep moving forward.

While I have come to terms with and forgiven the past, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am fully healed. 

A SLOW PROCESS OF RECOVERY

Each emotional and mental scar I bear is a persistent echo of my progress and the time I’ve let slip away.

Though we hold the ability to forgive within ourselves, there are times when we discover that the wrongdoers are still plotting against us, making it harder to ignore.

It could be mere paranoia or perhaps the unease we feel in their company, as it dredges up memories as fresh as if they happened just yesterday.

A DISCOVERY OF SELF

The challenges I have overcome have significantly shaped my identity and influenced the person I am today. 

I continuously strive to improve and evolve from the person I used to be. The anger still lingers, patiently waiting for the next challenge to arise, as I know that life is not always smooth sailing.

I foresee challenging moments ahead as I persist in combatting the turmoil within my mind. The discovery of my true self has generated many triggers, intensifying the struggle.

I made a vow to myself to never surrender in the battle for positivity, determined to inspire others to keep fighting their struggles alongside me.

I stand firm in my decision not to acknowledge regrets, as doing so would contradict the purpose of living and learning from my experiences.

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IN MEMORY OF THE SUICIDE

VICTIMS, SURVIVORS

&

THE ONES WE LEAVE BEHIND

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It saddens me to see some of my fellow individuals with bipolar and depression lose hope and give up because they couldn’t find a way to cope with the overwhelming challenges they faced. 

My heart aches for those who deeply cared for and stood by them, now grappling with the spirit of guilt. 

But I want to remind you that you were doing everything you could, and their decision did not come from your actions.

It resulted in them losing control over their thoughts and feelings and giving up hope.

“There is no easy explanation for why we choose to cease the battle. We reach a point where we realise that continuing the fight is futile.

 We believe that we are the source of the problem, and by removing ourselves from the situation, we can alleviate the burden we place on others.

We long to break free from the mental and emotional torment that haunts us each day. We have tried every possible path and now crave liberation for our souls.” this is my truth.

MOVING FORWARD IS NOT EASY

The path to self-forgiveness is a journey that requires constant effort. I struggle to forgive myself for specific behaviours that manifest during episodes of mania or depression. It’s not self-pity that consumes me, but rather a feeling of detachment from the world around me.

There are moments when I find myself lost in a fog of uncertainty, unable to recall which day of the week it is or where I am supposed to be heading next despite the reminders flashing on my mobile phone. I often let my emotions guide me through the day rather than relying on logic or reason.

One thing that frustrates me about myself is that I often have grand plans to be productive in my free time, only to talk myself out of following through and end up staying in bed.

Sometimes, I feel the urge to withdraw from the outside world and isolate myself, but I must be vigilant not to let it go beyond three days, as it could become a dangerous pattern that ultimately leads to my downfall.

When I spend a day doing nothing, I can’t help but feel guilty for being unproductive and letting myself down.

Balancing self-discipline and self-compassion is essential for staying on track. It’s important to hold ourselves accountable and show kindness and understanding.

Finding the right mix is critical to maintaining a healthy mindset and achieving our goals.

Grant yourself forgiveness to eliminate that burden of guilt. It’s okay not to be OK.

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CONSEQUENCES 

Refusing to forgive someone ultimately leads to a lifetime of carrying the weight of that grudge. The chains of guilt will forever shackle you.

Forgiveness is the key to unlocking the prison of your mind. While the trauma may never fully fade, you can learn to accept and process it in a more constructive and healing manner.

And finally, we reach the weight that could potentially lead some of us to our final resting place.

I’ve encountered countless tales of older individuals who are fully aware of their wrongdoing yet adamantly refuse to acknowledge their guilt.

These individuals are incredibly obstinate, capable of meeting your gaze and denying any knowledge or responsibility for the situation that had happened.

You may also notice that they will try to deflect attention from their shortcomings by accusing you of trivial matters.

The issue is that both parties are responsible for resolving the conflict. One party is eager for the other to admit their mistakes to find a peaceful solution.

In contrast, the other is stubbornly focused on protecting their reputation, even if it harms the person involved.

The individual seeking peace spends their entire life yearning for resolution and clarity.

The person in denial is shirking responsibility and inflicts unnecessary suffering upon themselves and the person they have wronged.

Pride and a constant need to be seen as flawless to dictate our actions ultimately lead to self-destruction and toxic behaviour. Those who defend or make excuses for such behaviour are just as responsible for the consequences.

MY CONCLUSION

To the person who has been wronged, I want to convey that it may be necessary to come to terms with the fact that you may never receive the apology or closure you seek. Sometimes, you must take it upon yourself to close that chapter and move forward.

To the person in denial: If you truly desire to live a life filled with honesty and inner peace, wouldn’t it be more beneficial to break free from the confines of your mind and alleviate the suffering of those around you?

To any defendant of the person in denial, if you were present and aware of the reality, others are too. Making excuses is akin to trying to fix a broken arm with a band-aid – it will never truly heal the underlying issue.

Three harsh truths, yet one decisive action can set them all FREE from the bondage of spiritual, emotional and mental pain.

Sadly, not all narratives conclude positively, and some truths are carried to the grave.

In my opinion, many issues could be resolved if we spoke honestly with one another and avoided sugarcoating the truth.

In everything, there must be a balance.

Natalie M Bleau 

Scripture of Balance