An Interview ‘Behind the Mind’ of the Author & Founder ‘Scripture of Balance’
WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO WRITE ABOUT BALANCE?
I write about balance because they tell me that my brain is imbalanced due to trauma.
Alexa wakes me up to tell me that it is 7:15 a.m. and the weather is 15°
That makes no difference to me. I am okay if the weather is in between, not too hot or cold.
Anything below 10° is cold, and over 25° is too hot.
When it is below 10° for me, it is cold, and the sky is grey, I want to hide under my covers forever. The dark skies and the chill keep me in a depressive state; I wish humans could hibernate.
I feel covered in filth from head to toe when it is too hot. I could lie in clean, cool water for hours if my skin didn’t go weird.
But I guess even when the day is pleasant between 18–22°c, I will find another reason not to enjoy the day. I am sure the bad days are not far ahead if things look up.
The truth is that good days are very few, and I must overwork my brain every morning to find a happy balance.
DO YOU LIKE BEING A WOMAN?
Being a woman seems unfair with the lifelong challenges our bodies undergo — discrimination and how we are demoralised by some men.
Whether we want babies or not, every month is a curse with our punishing hormonal moods and the discomfort of what nature brings.
The insanity of it all, the mental health challenges I face, the triggers, the moments of psychosis and the unhelpful thoughts racing through my mind.
WHAT ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS FRIENDSHIPS LIKE?
I am a complicated human and have always been. I cannot get my head around relationships and friendships, as I have no desire to commit to anything long-term. I am introverted in many ways and often prefer to be left alone.
Silence is golden, especially when you are not in the mood to face the chaos and loudness of the outside world, only to know that you will have to face up to this reality in a few days.
WHAT IMPACT DOES YOUR MENTAL HEALTH HAVE ON YOU?
I am trying to remember why I am allowing myself to live and no longer punishing myself. Be good to yourself, forgive yourself. These words are like mantras from my past therapy sessions.
Occasionally, when I need rest, I think of putting myself out for much longer hours by taking a sleeping remedy.
I cannot hide away from my thoughts and feelings forever. I must learn to face them, but I am tired of fighting.
My days are split in three. I must nap after five hours of waking time, or I end up in a foul mood, and God help someone in the same room as me.
DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS NORMAL?
What is normal for you is not for me. I am a creature of my own making. I wouldn’t say I like being told what I can and can’t do. Nobody can truly say they know me.
I am more than just me. I have my other identity, just like you, as there is the calm version of me that I prefer you to see.
My other side can be full of unchecked rage, anger, and resentment for the injustices in my world. The people around me are needed for me to study human behaviour because I have learnt a lot about my behaviour already.
I would rather be seen as an individual than a collective, as I am not your average female. I do not have the same wants and desires as a normal woman.
I am odd as I have been trying to be someone else just to fit in with everybody. Will you like the real me?
WILL PEOPLE LIKE WHO YOU ARE?
The truth is that I was never interested in creating close, long-term relationships with anyone. I don’t have those kinds of emotions. That does not mean I’m abnormal.
My love is for my tribe and those on the path of understanding, suffering rejection and depression. Those are the people who need my encouragement.
Even as an introvert, I can be an extrovert in public; I can converse with anyone, but only for a limited time.
I would not be good in ‘long lectures’ as I quickly get bored unless it is a passion or purpose.
Agitation and irritation are my middle names as I have a low concentration span. I don’t enjoy sitting down and listening to someone speaking for over twenty minutes.
WHY NOT LET ANOTHER IN YOUR LIFE?
I was not meant to have a special companion except my other self.
People keep telling me that God did not mean to be alone; he created us all to have another with us.
I agree with those who cannot live their life without the companionship of someone else, but I am doing fine.
How can I be alone if I have God? When I need to be around others, I can always go out to meet them.
Too much of anything is bad for the soul — everything in moderation.
People stress me out; they have different living standards, as I have OCD, and their bad habits will aggravate me.
NO CHILDREN? NO HUSBAND?
Single is a choice that I had made; it was the only way that I could find peace. It means freedom to do as I please, when and how I want — no pressure, living by my own rules. No arguments, less stress, and I only must tidy and look after myself; that is a full-time job.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
This question is weird, as it is only found ‘in the moment’. I am content to continue my solitary journey to help and protect others. I feel happier when I am doing something positive and purposeful.
DO YOU EVER FEEL ALONE?
It depends on what you mean. I can be in a room full of people I know and still feel alone. Loneliness is not the problem I face; I came to this world alone as surely as I will be leaving it.
The truth is that I have always felt alone, and it just felt overwhelming when I lost my Father, as he was my confidante.
Another thing is that many people I know have children and are in marriages, and they always tell me they feel alone.
WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE GOALS?
It is an hour at a time for me, and by God’s grace, I get to see the end of the day.
I don’t make plans as I am doing what I need to do for today. The only thing that I have planned is my last ‘will’. I will not be there, but the legalities will be fulfilled.
I know it sounds morbid, but you want me to be real. Medical professionals often told me I wouldn’t last five years, yet I am here for six months if I did not change my lifestyle.
I changed my lifestyle for the better. I serve only God and do my best to encourage and help others in despair.
If it is God’s will, I will continue my art, writing, drama and service for the Cancer Alliance and Psychological Services. I will do my best and be true to myself for the rest of my life.
I know struggles and challenges will be ahead, and I will overcome them with God’s help. My mental health challenges have made me who I am today, and I own it.
WHAT WISDOM DO YOU SHARE?
I want to say to many people, “live your life with a purpose, then surely you have truly lived. Try to make the most of your time by doing what you feel is right. Don’t become a prisoner to anyone or your mind, as there is not enough time to be wasted”.
My ninety-year-old Grandmother always says to me, ‘Every day is a bonus; live your life with purity as tomorrow is not promised.’ She has been saying this to me for the last twenty years.
Only some people will reach her age, and the saying is not just for the old but also the young, as we still cannot figure out what tomorrow may bring. Many people have made plans for tomorrow and never woke up.
I should not be here,
But I am here.
Now, I will try to live with honour and respect for myself and others.
As the Author and Founder of Scripture of Balance dedicated to the most beautiful person, Cecil Clarence Bleau 11.02.1946–17.02.2017, May my Beloved Father always know that I will forever love him.
I declare to live by my words and encourage others to find their path in life.
We are all unique and live our lives how we feel most comfortable.
In everything, try to find a balance.
The Scripture of Balance
Natalie M Bleau