Regrettably and truthfully, I acknowledge that I have squandered numerous years of potential happiness by failing to appreciate the good intentions of others, lost in a haze of pessimism.
My partners bore the weight of my destructive habits and my conflicting and harsh criticisms.
My negative attitude towards men stemmed from the cautionary tales and warnings of others that had been deeply ingrained in my mind.
I was disconnected from my true self and lacked emotional well-being. I failed to utilise the intelligence and potential God had bestowed upon me, hindering my growth and development into who I am today.
My emotional and mental well-being has been a constant struggle throughout my entire existence.
My judgment was clouded by the rigid regulations I enforced due to my religious convictions and the detrimental influences around me.
During my childhood and teenage years, I was constantly subjected to the negativity of those around me. As an adult, I realised I was accountable for not trusting my instincts and using my common sense.
The key lies within the narrative: you can’t gain wisdom from those who exude negativity; you can only adopt their mindset and squander your potential.
I mistakenly entrusted the wrong individuals with authority over me, neglecting those who were steady, more reliable and stable.
During my infancy, I was raised to embody the epitome of human perfection, leaving others in awe of my impeccable behaviour.
While I may have been innocent and naive in my infancy, I have realised that I am not without flaws as I continue to exhibit this behaviour into adulthood. I may have appeared perfect, but I was far from it.
I’m unsure if people purposely led me down the road of negativity to destroy any chance of me finding true happiness.
I want to leave advice for the younger generation.
Don’t let anyone influence you with their negative thoughts and opinions. Paving your path and not letting others dictate your life is crucial.
My Father always reminded me that parents aren’t always right. He taught me to make decisions and not let others dictate my life.
He consistently urged me to release the past and break free from the need to please others constantly.
He understood me; he was not biased and spoke to me from a man’s viewpoint.
He was my trusted confidant, who remained impartial in all situations because he understood my actions and behaviour in relationships from the beginning.
My love for my Father was pure and innocent, an unconditional bond that knew no limits. Yet, I also found myself leaning on him emotionally, creating a sense of reliance I grappled with.
Knowing his sincere concern for me and my well-being, I had complete faith in him. He truly wanted me to find happiness and stability, urging me to seek therapy to address the lingering effects of my traumatic childhood.
He encouraged me to break free from the expectations of others and forge my unique journey in life.
He recognised my struggles with my dysfunctional behaviour in romantic relationships, and his final advice on the matter was to “treat them like human beings.”
My initial romantic relationship, which was the most important to me, was destined for failure due to my lack of maturity and understanding. I behaved childishly, resorting to cruel actions such as playfully punching my partner in the arm and pinching him.
Love and affection were a foreign concept to me, and navigating relationships felt impossible due to the emotional scars I carried and my default pessimistic nature.
I felt like the only person in the world, surrounded by others who were just as broken and unable to offer me any positive guidance.
There was an overwhelming sense of negativity during that time. No one had anything positive to say, and they couldn’t stand that I was in an intimate relationship with a man.
I couldn’t hold my partner responsible for my co-dependency or the harmful effects of listening to others’ uninformed opinions. They weren’t in the same situation, so how could they truly comprehend the complexities of it all? I surrendered my thoughts to their influence, unquestioningly accepting all the negativity they expressed.
Every event that unfolded directly resulted from my harmful actions, which created distance between us and pre-emptively accused him of wrongdoing.
A couple of months after our first breakup, he found himself in a difficult situation: He struggled to turn down the opportunity to reconcile with me, even though he had already begun a new relationship.
The situation grew increasingly complicated as both relationships hit rough patches, but upon discovering the truth, I was hardly shocked.
He desired to remain by my side because of my purity, as I had never been in a relationship with anyone else before.
After listening to this part of my story, my physiotherapist and psychologist were taken aback by the fact that the guy had stayed with me, indicating that he must have genuinely cared for me.
The assumption that he was only using me for sex was utterly baseless, considering we had a close platonic relationship for over a decade. He had a stable financial situation and was always willing to lend a hand whenever I needed some extra cash.
Through my therapy sessions, I had an epiphany that individuals often only perceive what aligns with their desires. Many were eagerly anticipating the downfall of my relationship so they could smugly say, “I knew it,” when in reality, all my past relationships were destined to crumble due to the emotional and mental struggles I faced early on in life.
Instead of examining their role in my mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, they were quick to point fingers and label me as foolish and my partner as inadequate.
Becoming a harsh militant individual was not a result of my relationship, despite him constantly comparing me to Hitler. It was simply the only way I knew how to act.
Expressing love and affection was seen as a vulnerability, so I had to construct a barrier to protect myself. It was the only way of behaving that made sense to me, the only one I had learned from my upbringing.
As the years passed, I found myself consumed by sinister thoughts and considering vengeful deeds that I recognised as immoral. Fortunately, with divine intervention, I managed to resist the urge to act on them and instead bore the weight of pain, abandonment, and perpetual feelings of never belonging.
In recent years, I have embarked on a journey to release the weight of past negativity and shield myself from others’ harmful opinions.
This path has been about reclaiming my inner strength, seizing control of my destiny, and wholeheartedly embracing my true self.
Instead of evading my emotions and feelings, I have learned to confront them more positively and constructively than in the past four decades.
This journey of self-empowerment and self-acceptance has guided me towards a more authentic and joyful existence.
The self-love I cultivate within myself is a continuous growth and development journey.
If I had the solution I am working on, the maternal care and tenderness I could have shared in my relationships would have been worthwhile.
Relationships have taken a backseat, as I have much work to do on this subject.
I can’t definitively say that I’ll never enter into another relationship, as I understand that the realm of possibilities is vast.
My therapist constantly reminds me not to place conditions on relationships. But I beg to differ to reduce stress; I need to be with someone compatible in many ways with me.
I’d choose solitude over being with someone who doesn’t share my values
I have outgrown and surpassed many people in my life, and I am seeking someone who is aligned with me on a spiritual level.
I am seeking growth and progress, not regression.
My irrational actions had already caused irreparable damage to my relationships.
Once again, I quote my saying…
The key lies within the narrative: you can’t gain wisdom from those who exude negativity; only adopt their mindset and squander your potential.
Every individual’s ultimate desire is to achieve a sense of tranquillity and stability and a promising future filled with thrilling adventures waiting to be uncovered.
In everything, there must be a balance.
Natalie M Bleau
Scripture of Balance
