The one thing about having lived experiences is that you are qualified to speak about your own experiences.
No one can tell you otherwise as only you know how you felt.
We are all unique individuals and sometimes people may rely on your emotional and mental resilience, but everyone has a breaking point.
I have written before that I have been trying to die all my life and I almost did get it right.
I have my own destructive behaviours where I have made several attempts to end my pain but by the grace of God, I am still here to be able to tell you of my experiences and what led me to this desperate act but if attempt is failed there could be life-changing consequences.
“I see death as a permanent solution to a difficult problem and I did try to get help but was ignored.”
People who have no lived experience do not have a clue about suicidal ideation or attempts. They are the quickest to judge a person as selfish or weak.
The most common saying is “its cowards way out’
“I believe that this is a statement of complete ignorance as it takes a lot of guts to go ahead with this painful, horrendous plan.”
Today I can talk about one of my most damaging experiences and I have been trying all week to put myself back into that state to remember how I felt.
“It takes a lot of guts to even try to end your life as it is for you to continue living through the mental torture and pain.”
As you may have figured out, I suffer from a variety of mental health challenges, and it can become so overwhelming at times. Managing my mental health is my top priority in life as it enables me to make the right decisions for my own wellbeing.
I was let down by a lot of people whilst seeking help. Nobody understood how far my state of mind had fallen and were busy measuring my problems with others.
It’s not helpful to tell someone “stop feeling sorry for yourself” or ‘there are people worse off than you’
In that moment of pain that you are in it is about you. It is the story of your struggles.
I believe that if you haven’t got anything helpful to say it’s best to keep your mouth shut or better still walk away.
I was standing close to the edge of a precipice in my life. Nothing mattered anymore other than ending my pain.
I never believed anyone but my Father genuinely loved me so I convinced myself that I would be better off out of this world of confusion, selfishness, and pain.
I apologised to God, because I did feel a sense of guilt and thought that he would understand where I was.
My decision to die was not a cry of help as I really wanted to be and feel the nothingness….
I never had any love for myself. I had been trying to die for an exceedingly long time. Just to end the thoughts the mental and emotional pain.
This time, if it weren’t for the reaction of my sister Michelle I would not have been here today. It was divine intervention that she rang me whilst I was already in the middle of my madness.
All I can remember is the men in green and then I must have blacked out.
One thing I would say is I wanted to find a way where it would affect as few people as possible that is why I chose to do it in the comfort of my home.
The hopelessness, self-hatred I had for myself. The fact that I felt like a waste of space. I felt I was nobody with no purpose in life.
There were a lot of emotions involved and then the powerlessness, defeat, and the finality of what I was doing.
Then the nothingness.
I was hallucinating in a hospital bed wondering for a moment if I was waking up in heaven or maybe in between worlds as I saw all these shadows around me.
I do not believe that when a person is desperate to take their life that it is for one reason but for a build-up of many other problems going on in their lives.
God saved me from myself he gave me another chance to look within myself and find a purpose.
Today I have many things to be grateful for.
Every time I wake up in the morning I pray for strength, wisdom, grace, and purpose.
My mental health difficulties are continuous and have no cure, but I can only use the tools that I have to manage it on an hour-to-hour basis.
I believe that going my survival was to be able to tell my story and encourage others who are going through their dark times.
There is a way out if you can find the right help and support.
Death was not the answer for me, and I have quit trying to die and am on my fourth year of keeping on living even though there are a lot of challenges.
I have a strict routine in my life and if I derive from any of it my whole equilibrium becomes unbalanced.
The only way I can survive is in being a testimony to others which keeps me humble and balanced.
In everything there must be a balance.
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance
