RECOGNIZING MY FAULTS PERHAPS??

June 17, 2022
5 min read

I Natalie Bleau, acknowledge and accept all the wrong things that I felt I have done consciously or subconsciously throughout my life.

I  ask for forgiveness from anyone who has felt my wrath or who I  have  been harshly critical or judgemental towards in the past.

I hold no more resentments, grudges or have any bad intentions. This is where I stand today. 17.06.2022

I can hold my hand up and say that in the past I was unconsciously emotionally dependent on my Beloved Father, but I never once took him for granted. I loved him, to me he was next to perfect. An amazing example of a gentleman and a present, sacrificing, hardworking Father. 

Have you ever made such a declaration? I did. I try to apply this to my mind every day. Sometimes we think bad things about people even if we do not verbalise it.

My uncle had pointed this weakness out to me, and he was on point. I sometimes feel that my dependency added to my Fathers worries but there is nothing I can do about it now other than thank God for the extremely loving role he played in my life.

Emotional dependency is not a healthy trait, even though I was in trustworthy hands.

There are opportunists out there who can take advantage of your weakness and cause irreversible damage!!

I knew I had to find another way to deal with my emotions, the talking therapies in my local area offered me two years of psychodynamic therapy. I found this to be a great help, as well as the support I received from an amazing Psychiatrist, who saved me from myself.

When I was younger, I was naïve and thought that my friends/partners  would always have your best interest at heart. They would encourage you and pass on a bit of their own wisdom to help your wellbeing.

Well, what can I say!!

 I realise that people are genuine enough just ‘control freaks’ they want to be acknowledged as superior in knowledge and wisdom and to be held in high esteem.

I always thought for myself but found that by not voicing my opinion it kept things ticking along without any disputes.

I never held any of them in high esteem as I already had my own ideals and would just make the right noises to show I was listening.

I knew that I would never put myself through committing myself to another person because I had already set my own standards as to what I was willing to put up with.

The major things I cannot accept is anyone telling me what to do, how to think or feel or how to live my life. I am the type of person you either love or hate. I was very much a person who would need someone with equal standards to even to live with me.

I have been very unhappy within myself  most of  my life and I blame myself. If I had reached out to the mental health services earlier and had the tools I have now, I would have saved myself from a lot of stressful situations.

My friends I don’t look backwards to dwell, but to see the error of my ways and recognise the damage that I have done to myself and embrace the future.

I know my purpose in life

I know what makes me happy and what fulfils me.

The things that I thought were a major part of happiness like marriage, children and materialistic things hold no appeal for me. I refuse to live someone else’s happiness for them.

I have many setbacks now and again due to my mental health issues, but I am still the pilot of my own airline. If I need support, I now know what I need to do, and where to go.

I wasn’t always someone who invested their time with the vulnerable in the community, as I was too busy wallowing in self pity and on the path of destruction.

I know I always had it in me as I have always been an empathetic person but with all my anger and resentments, I wasted my early years contemplating my demise.

It sounds crazy but I would just like you to understand how spiritually and mentally broke I was.

I was not the genuine bubbly, smiley person that I have become today I was reserved, miserable and self-absorbed. My whole being felt like a façade.

Looking back at pictures of myself in my twenties I never realised just how beautiful I was and how I always complained about being too thin and making no contribution to improving on my mental state.

I hold both my hands up to all the toxic behaviour I had created around the people who knew me back then and can only apologise for my challenging reckless behaviour that affected them in many ways.

Today I am grateful to say that for the past few years I am on the path to healing, through acceptance of who I am. Forgiveness for those who have contributed to the miserable years of my life and the passion to live a Godly life.

I respect those who have respect for themselves.

I forgive those who hate me as they don’t understand me.

I accept people who are willing to contribute to the good in the world.

We are all on a journey to find the truth about life and the only way we can achieve this is to live it and do what makes us happy ,for the greater good of others.

In everything there must be a balance.

Natalie Bleau

The Scripture of Balance.

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