The realisation that my anger has the power to inflict serious physical harm on those who threaten me or my loved ones is a terrifying notion.
Lately, I’ve found myself quick to turn hostile in the presence of others, as my tolerance is low, and I’ve developed a habit of reacting aggressively when angry.
A few days back, a persistent issue was disrupting my mother’s tranquillity and making it difficult for her to live peacefully.
I reached a breaking point with the authorities and decided to take matters into my own hands, heading towards the perpetrators to unleash my violent side.
I sought forgiveness from God for the impending wrongdoing I was about to commit, having already contacted the police to meet me at the location where I planned to carry out a severe offence.
As soon as I arrived at the scene, I diffused the situation with diplomacy and courtesy, highlighting their actions’ profound effect on me and the tenants.
The situation could have been irreversible if I had lived near the incident. Fortunately, I had calmed down and sternly warned them about the consequences of my actions if they returned.
They apologised and departed calmly, assuring me they would remain nearby but safe from my mother’s dwelling.
I was completely aware that allowing my anger to control me would have resulted in me serving a prison sentence or, worse, being sectioned. However, I was prepared to take that risk to make a statement to the authorities.
I feel embarrassed writing this because this is not the first time I have used threatening behaviour, and I am aware that this could happen again.
My anger has been building up over the years because, in the past, I was constantly outnumbered and unable to stand up for myself.
I’ve always had thoughts and ideas swirling in my mind, but it wasn’t until the past six years that I realised my anger would turn into becoming my reality.
I have become fearful of myself, as I know that when consumed by darkness, my actions are unpredictable. I have no control over the darkness within me.
Fortunately, my friend has prevented me from lashing out at others numerous times in the past couple of years, even when those individuals were unaware that they were provoking me.
They hadn’t done anything to me personally, but I was irritated and annoyed by their toxic behaviour.
I never considered myself a threat until my alter ego emerged, seizing control of my thoughts and actions and leaving me powerless.
This is the moment when I must exercise self-control. I am not malicious, and I do not want to act in a manner that goes against my values.
If I hadn’t contacted my friend to film the event, I would have undoubtedly gone through with it, and the consequences would have been grave. It is also fortunate that I am six years in sobriety.
Today, I have come to the unsettling truth that I have awoken a dark, demonic aspect of myself. The most troubling part of succumbing to anger and hatred is the lack of fear, as the toxic emotions envelop my entire being.
As I sat on the train, adrenaline coursed through my veins, causing a smile to spread across my face. I relished the exhilarating sensation of the evil empowerment I had in my soul.
As I pictured myself retaliating against the wrongdoers, impatience gnawed at me as my journey continued.
I understand the reason behind my journey’s delay, and I am deeply convinced that God allowed me this time to rationalise.
This situation had the potential to turn into a serious crime, but the mere act of waiting for my friend eased the adrenaline and diffused the tension.
In this instance, anger threatened to consume me. Still, through conversing with a friend and praying, I was able to prevent the situation from escalating further. Without God’s grace, things could have spiralled out of control.
In the past, my actions often led to immediate consequences, and my friend always intervened, grabbing me by the hood and reminding me that it wasn’t worth it.
After the recent incident, I found myself with a rare moment of peace to collect my thoughts and regain my composure. I was taken aback by my ability to remain calm in adversity.
Although I empathised with the struggles of the homeless individuals, I made it clear that their actions were not acceptable and that I would not stand for them.
At that point, I realised the importance of finding balance and apologised to the authorities for my erratic behaviour. They were understanding of my frustration.
It wasn’t until later that night, when the police contacted me, that I revealed my mental health struggles and how quickly I could become irrational.
The following day, during my psychotherapy class, I had a breakdown due to feeling overwhelmed by my actions.
I have not developed a violent nature, but my conscience seems to have a delayed reaction, and I would have kicked in after the damage that I would have created.
I strive to uphold a personal commitment to maintaining self-control and reducing irritation. However, I find it challenging to remain calm in the presence of disruptive and loud individuals, which often leads to feelings of anger that I struggle to contain.
When faced with situations beyond my control, I feel the beast within me awaken, which is why I struggle to remain in the company of others for too long.
This morning, I sought inspiration from a church in my community. I attended a service in hopes of finding guidance and support.
Upon my arrival, it was evident that the doors were closed, and it was already 10.45.
The scheduled service was supposed to commence at 11 o’clock, yet only a few individuals were present in the congregation.
The service began late, with only a small group of individuals present as latecomers gradually arrived throughout the hour.
I struggled to focus due to the constant, unavoidable distractions surrounding me.
I wasn’t actively seeking reasons to leave, but lateness is one thing I absolutely cannot tolerate. To me, it’s a blatant display of disrespect.
I stayed throughout the service but skipped the dedications and fellowship lunch and headed home.
The church’s atmosphere appealed to me, and I felt a sense of purpose and belonging there. I have decided to give it another chance and attend again next Sunday.
I will keep looking for another nearby church if I do not find the comfort I need.
As the day ended, I made my way to my recovery meeting in the evening. I felt embarrassed as I shared the raw truth about the difficulties I had encountered, as previously detailed in this blog.
It was a relief to unload, a lesson to remember. Even after conquering your addictions, it’s essential to adhere to the spiritual program to stay grounded and avoid straying off course.
Once more, I was rescued from my self-destructive tendencies and the harm I could have caused to those around me.
In everything, there must be a balance.
Natalie M Bleau
Scripture of Balance