I can never say NEVER WILL I DO THIS AGAIN because I am a complicated individual and I have been struggling with my thoughts and feelings throughout my whole life. I did not attempt to take my life for attention, I did think about the people I would leave behind and that they would be sad, call me selfish or whatever, they would get over it and besides I felt that they were better off without me. I believed I was the equation and death was the solution to the problem.
‘It was not the first time, and I cannot guarantee that it would be the last time either. When you feel like you’re losing the battle you find yourself floating on that dark cloud where you think that death would be a welcome. This one was back in 2011 and it was just one that has never left me because of the negative impact that it left on all my family.’
I never wanted to ever be institutionalised but spending time in a Psychiatric Hospital was a must, being discharged would have been the final nail in my coffin. The zombified feelings from sedation used to keep you calm is a damn lot better than the soul-destroying dark thoughts that were tormenting the hell out of me.
This is how it was I was admitted and then told I have to take a tablet of which I was suspicious and stated ‘What is this for? I don’t want to take it’ bearing in mind I was on my usual medication for my Manic-Depressive Illness. The answer I got was ‘This is to calm you down and help you relax and one way or the other you will have to take it.’ my comeback was ‘I am calm I want to see the leaflet for the side effects’ I was sceptical about these prescription mind controlling drugs. I took them and it managed to slow down the traffic of thoughts in my brain.
I cannot even bring myself into the state of mind to be able to describe in full detail how I felt and what led up to me taking an overdose of Opioids, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, benzodiazepines, tranquilizers and a bottle of Port. I remember asking God for forgiveness as I had no choice. I will not go into my descriptions of the suicide ideations that I had originally planned as this would not appropriate. I would not be here today if it was not for the intuition and the fast actions taken by my family. I can only thank God for them.
There are not always obvious signs of a person who wants to end their life some people may walk around with a smile and appear cheerful yet when they are alone, they are dying inside. That was me I had my problems but never liked to show my vulnerability in public.
There are those who constantly seek to draw attention to their malady on social media, you can never be too sure whether it is a genuine cry for help or attention seeking however we must be mindful how we respond to them.
A Physician had once said that ‘I feel more comfortable around people who show signs of self-abuse a regular self-harmer, like someone who takes their pain out on their bodies, there is more hope that they will not kill themselves because that is how they deal with their internal pain.’
In my opinion you can never tell who is going to crack even the ‘most balanced’ of people could go downhill after a traumatic event in their lives. So, we must be mindful when it comes to the Mental Health of others.
WE MUST RAISE AWARENESS OF MENTAL HEALTH CHALLENGES IN BOTH MEN AND WOMEN! It’s been said that men are more likely to follow through with suicide as they tend to keep all their stress and problems within whereas women offload in whatever way they can.
In everything we must maintain a balance in order to keep a good mindset.
SCRIPTURE OF BALANCE
NATALIE BLEAU
I have never had the experience of trying to die but I guess if you suffer from depression there is no control over that situation.
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