For most of my life, I wondered why I was still alive against all the odds. I have been self-destructive and did not care whether I lived or died.
I cannot remember when I felt a sense of happiness and belonging. I lived with anger, fear and self-hate for so long.
Today, when I look back at my photos, I can only feel the sadness of all the wasted years of my negative delusions, torturing my mind to believe the bad things when all along I was a very beautiful, respectful girl. How could I have hated this innocent child?
I would not describe it as ‘self-pity’ as a child because it was about how I had been treated for a long time. If someone feeds a child’s mind with negativity, they will carry it into adulthood.
In school, I had a careers day. I did not even know or care which path I had to take because I was not planning to be in this world for long.
The ideal job in my mind was to be on the frontline of the military so that I would not have to be responsible for my demise.
When I analyse this person outside of me, I see someone who had every reason to make something of herself but gave up and gave in to her thoughts and feelings.
The best way for someone suffering from emotional and mental neglect is to prove to the parties involved that they would regain their power.
It can take decades for a person to ‘wake up’ and take full control.
Many years of ‘trying to die’ and realising that God is not finished with you yet.
After my Beloved Father departed from this world, there seemed to be even less of a reason to ‘stick around’ as I emotionally depended on him.
It took almost two years of more self-destructive behaviour for me to realise then that I was working against a power greater than myself.
It was through giving up these behaviours that I managed to look within myself. Through sobriety and encouragement from people who had been through adversities, I could step back and take an inventory of this unfortunate soul.
God had not given up on me, no matter how much I had strayed from the path to salvation. By his saving grace, I have found a real reason to live out the rest of my days.
I discovered myself through different types of therapies. Throughout the pandemic, I found ways to channel my manic and depressive state of mind, and that was through writing and constant thought-provoking video conversations with my Aunt, who is 5000 miles across the ocean.
I discovered my brand, ‘Scripture of Balance,’ and knew this would be my unique project in honour of my Beloved Father, Cecil Bleau. My confidante, my hero and my best friend. His Legacy.
I began to take on extra volunteer roles with NELCA and ELFT to make a difference in the lives of people struggling with cancer and mental health challenges.
Today I can say that I feel complete as I have faced up to everyone in my past and forgiven them and myself. I no longer sit down with ‘self-pity’ and torture my soul.
I have taken up drawing as another calming mechanism as I still experience anxiety, depression, psychosis and mania.
I have achieved a lot in under two years with my diplomas and the books I have written and published, and I intend to continue doing this.
There are bad days, and I have learnt to avoid people to manage my rage and anger at the injustices.
I still need to work on spending time with people as I can only manage a few hours at a time, and then I must be alone.
I have many ongoing projects to complete, and three books are in the pipeline, but I must finish my drama school before all these outstanding tasks.
My website is over two years old; it has been challenging, and sometimes I have felt like giving up. But I continue doing my weekly blogs in the hope that it will help someone else.
I am still learning to manage my time and look after my well-being. Without that, there would be chaos.
In everything, there must be a balance.
Natalie M Bleau
The Scripture of Balance