The worst thing about living is losing someone who is so close to your heart. One day they are with us and then they are gone. This is the most soul-destroying time in our lives and as time goes by you try to keep them alive with the good memories you had with them. We must be mindful not to focus on the suffering as we cannot change what had happened before their demise.
My passion is working with palliative care patients, sitting down and listening to them talk about their past and any concerns they have. I do not treat them as a dying patient, everyday is about living and the difference between myself and them is that they have a close date and I am ignorant of my own demise.
I went through many stages of grief, in not any particular order, however my grief began 2 years 10 months before, when my Father was abroad being operated on in hospital. I loved him unconditionally, I still love him, and I bargained with God to spare him and give me the stage IV cancer, and when I knew he wasn’t going to make it I asked God to sacrifice me in his place.
The five stages of grieving are meant to be Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance if we go by the Kubler-Ross model which is useful information to know that the way you are feeling is normal.
“Personally I had the depression, anger and bargaining way before the loss. The anger took a very long time to dissolve however, after four years and 6 months it does still rear its head. Acceptance is very hard, the only thing I accept is that I cannot see my Beloved Father in the body but I feel his spirit around me everyday. I always remember his smile and I still ask him to help me find a solution to a problem and believe it or not it works. My mind has adjusted so much that I already know the answer he would give me. I will never stop loving him and will never forget him as part of my heart went with him.”
People have their own beliefs in what happens after you die and a lot of it is based on either what they have been brought up to believe and also whatever is taught in their faith or religion.
What really happens when you die? I guess no one will really ever know because the dead do not speak about it. This does not mean that I am knocking anyone’s beliefs, I am not on here to preach about the afterlife either. If a person is comfortable in what they want to believe there is no need to argue the point as it is not affecting anybody else. Let them be you cannot ridicule or force a belief on anyone. Just respect that this is what helps them to cope with the inevitable.
The only thing that is guaranteed in life is death and no one is exempt, but we can help each other by being more mindful by not encouraging them to dwell on the suffering of that person. You won’t ever forget if a person had painfully suffered before their death, but you have to let that part of it remain in the past you will delay your progress in healing.
In my experience, you do not get over it, but you learn how to manage it. Everyday is different, some days will be bad days and others will be manageable. Its vitally important that you take care of yourself in every way, make sure you eat well, sleep and try to find things during the day that help to keep you mentally and physically active. Bereavement counselling is not for everyone.
There is no manual on how to grieve we all do it in our own way. Also there is no time limit as to when you should not be grieving. I have been told that ‘I should of gotten over it by now and moved on with my life’ I am living my life, I am still here and I am also still missing my Beautiful Father and yes, it still is painful. But I practice meditation and being mindful of when my mind attacks me with intrusive and negative thoughts. Remember ‘one size does not fit all’ Baby steps…..
In everything there is a balance…
The Scripture Of Balance.