“Letting go of something that no longer serves you is the beginning of self-care.”
Time is wasted remaining in a potentially precarious situation.
If you did not experience exactly what it felt like to be loved as a child, you will probably search for affection in the wrong places as an adult. This is not to say this is inevitable; some people discover love but are unable to express it.
Typically, a parent who lacks empathy has a lengthy line of relatives who have perpetuated the cycle.
LOOKING FOR A SOLUTION
My personal experience was that I made an effort to avoid being emotionally connected with anyone.
The first relationship would last for ten years. I was raised to be a perfectionist, so I sought perfection.
I felt safe and secure enough to decide to take things further after a year of platonic dating. I experienced emotions that I was unable to control.
I was never able to experience that level of intimacy since I was raised to believe that having sex before being married was wrong. I lived a life of guilt.
I had no concept of what love was, having only been exposed to the poisonous experiences of others.
I never showed affection and always maintained a wall in front of me.
It did not help when individuals continued to feed my mind with BS that would make me paranoid and raise accusations that started to materialise into reality.
I had lived my entire life acting as though everything was alright, even though I was psychologically unstable.
In my twenties, I acted in a toxic and ugly manner, but if I had had a better perspective, I probably would have led a more rational life.
It is considerably more difficult to end a relationship after several years because you begin to believe there is no better option available.
Even while you feel comfortable, you know in your heart that it will have to end and deliver you the suffering you most dread.
Mentally and emotionally.
Even though I was miserable with guilt, I refused to give up despite what my conscience was telling me.
I persuaded myself that the enjoyable times I formerly had would return, but deep down I knew in my heart that I would have to terminate the relationship.
Too many rules and regulations were in place, and I’m wondering now why I ever trusted the vision of others, given their complete lack of expertise.
They will manipulate you because of their negative experiences.
Who I dated didn’t matter, according to my Father, if they treated me with love and respect.
Before he passed away, he gave me the last piece of advice: “Treat them like human beings.’
Today, I can completely appreciate what he was getting at because I was acting like an ice queen. I never felt the need to act that way because I was always treated well.
However, it is challenging to undo years of utter wreckage and sabotage. It’s not easy.
I’d like to think that if time could be changed, I would have been more optimistic and able to disregard the voices of pain that destroyed my chances of ever finding genuine love.
I eventually made the decision to go it alone because I did not want to bring anyone else down with me.
Okay, so I missed out on all the things that ‘normal’ women had a chance to enjoy without feeling condemned.
Many people stay married even in terrible relationships; therefore, my situation is not unique. I developed the fortitude to detach myself from anything that might hold promise.
I wouldn’t stay with someone I disliked because of someone else’s opinion on divorce. I would no longer permit anyone to meddle in my private affairs.
The people who interfere have already experienced failure. They’re emotionally damaged, hence they are helpless to support you with any sound advice.
I had to unlearn everything, however, if I could let go of the viewpoints of others, I could potentially have a chance at a happy relationship.
‘I am afraid of my feelings as I still don’t know how to manage them.’
After ruining so many relationships, it is difficult to get back on track, and the idea of commitment is extremely unsettling. On that one, I still have a lot of work to do.
I had already come to terms with the possibility that I might never be able to commit to a relationship, but at least I could focus on developing friendships and companionship.
I acknowledge that my emotional and mental health have been negatively impacted and that therapy might not work if I refuse to confront my fears.
I had to reach far into my spirit to find the courage to compose this blog.
Things could have turned out differently, but I’m happy with where I am at present. I am not giving up. That’s why I am continuing therapy.
In everything, there must be a balance.
Natalie M Bleau
The Scripture of Balance