Today I had my first therapy session to enable me to recondition that part of my brain that only allows me to have part-time friendships/relationships.
I hate to admit this, but I have trust issues and fear of any deep involvement in friendships/relationships.
I already have the iron wall that I built around myself so no one can fully get close enough to break me.
Thousands of people will come in and out of your life and it is the ones whom you find a real connection with that become your friends.
There is a difference between a friend and a colleague.
A close friend is someone you know on a more personal level a colleague could be a co-worker or someone you just know by name.
There are also different definitions of friends some are close, and some are distant, but they are all special enough to be classed as a friend.
The beauty of friendship is when there is balance.
Although I have many types of friends, I still feel the need to be on my guard to protect myself.
‘The truth being I need to protect myself from me.’
I have always been sitting on the fence’ in relationships as I feel safer there.
A friend must be good at listening and tactful honesty.
Many relationships are destroyed because of lies, selfishness, controlling behaviors, and big egos.
A toxic relationship is when one person dominates another to the point that they have the power to upset the balance. CONTROL
To maintain a healthy relationship, you must both be willing to make the effort to make changes so that you have more pros than cons.
Understandably, we are all individuals with our set standards. It is all about what you are willing to tolerate.
I have always been told that ‘relationships are about give and take
There will always be things that you dislike in a person’s behaviour, and it is up to you to address them. You must be tactfully honest.
I am not an easy person to have a good relationship with as I am obsessed with perfection. I was brought up with the highest standards of being clean and tidy in all aspects of my life.
‘I would wake up, clean my teeth, and wash before breakfast and in the same order before I go to bed an evening. Hygiene and tidiness for me are a priority alongside manners and respect.’
I remember during the pandemic when we were told to raise our hygiene standards. I was surprised because I had always been carrying an antibacterial gel.
I am not apologizing for the choices I make for the way I live I would rather avoid any situations that provoke me.
The only thing I will say is that the imbalance of the situation is that I am over-obsessive that have made me ill. (OCD)
I had to laugh at myself throughout my session because I had to admit my avoidance of spending copious amounts of time with another human being.
I would not say that I am an introvert, but I mostly enjoy silently doing the things I love on my own. I have always been intolerant of the drama, noise, and chaos people bring into my life.
‘My mind is a busy tool and I already have a lot of conversations going on in my head without any added information. It does not end until I fall asleep.’
I do not like to dwell too much on one subject and tend to zone out. In my mind, I have already moved on to the next task, especially in meetings when we do not seem to be getting anywhere.
I lose interest very easily in long drawn-out conversations and the people who dominate them.
However, if a person talks to me about a genuine problem, I am all heart and ears, and my mind is open.
In conclusion, I avoid any situation that requires me to rely on another human being, emotionally or physically.
I emotionally relied on my Beloved Father as he was my protector and advisor, and he would never feed me to the wolves. After he took ill, I knew I had to be emotionally independent.
I live my life in fear of losing my power of self, my identity. I have avoided the subject of relationships/friendships for too long.
I am fully aware of how unhealthy my conditioned mind is.
I had to make that change myself by surrendering all to God/Higher Power and starting again with myself. I must be true to myself.
I am highly optimistic that I will begin to heal and grow. I will start having a healthier attitude towards friendships/relationships if it is not too late. But I must be willing to change and put the work in.
In everything, there must be a balance.
The Scripture of Balance