“Are your friendships one-sided?” is like asking if a seesaw is imbalanced.

I consider myself fortunate to have been raised with a cautious mindset towards others, as it has repeatedly been demonstrated throughout my life that people often exploit one’s vulnerability.

This belief remains steadfast within me, as I have witnessed numerous instances where individuals, including myself, have fallen victim to the ulterior motives of others.

From a young age, I have harboured a sense of scepticism towards people’s intentions, recognising that it is inherent in human nature for individuals to seek personal gain at the expense of others.

During my late teenage years, I found myself in a state of financial destitution, resorting to dishonesty and fabricating tales of hardship to manipulate strangers for my own selfish ends.

I could never have brought myself to do such a thing to someone I was close to; that’s the distinction, even though it doesn’t excuse my deceit.

When the concept of friendship crosses my mind, I find myself unable to relate, for my self-loathing was so profound that I believed I could never deserve the companionship of others.

Despite my popularity, I maintained a safe distance from everyone around me.

During my childhood, I never experienced the joy of having a best friend due to the restrictions that confined me within the walls of my home.

Reflecting on it now, perhaps this was a hidden blessing, sparing others from the pain I might have unintentionally caused.

Throughout my entire existence, I have struggled with emotional unavailability, and to some extent, this trait still lingers within me.

To shield myself from the emotional burdens I had long carried, I constructed a formidable barrier.

Friendships, or rather, the individuals I grew close to, were never granted a complete understanding of who I truly was. I refused to let them in.

Those who invested significant time in my presence yearned for a level of dedication and connection that I was unwilling to offer.

My guard remained steadfastly in place.

There were individuals whom I pitied and endeavoured to rescue, yet my inability to invite them into my inner world caused them to gradually walk away.

Admittedly, I could not connect with others due to my lack of people skills and limited life experiences.

Consequently, as I entered my forties, my relationships became imbalanced, with me constantly helping while others solely focused on taking from me.

In the journey of my adulthood, I have shouldered the burdens of the world, feeling the weight pressing down on me.

Witnessing the pain and tears of others always stirred a deep unease within me, for I feared the anguish it brought.

During my anger, I often found myself lost, unable to distinguish between the one suffering and the one causing the suffering.

But as time stretched on, I embarked on a quest to truly understand myself, a journey that demanded I confront the agony, fury, and heartache that had plagued me.

It was through this arduous process that I finally came to terms with the years I had squandered, realising that they could have been salvaged had I only shown myself a little more compassion.

After losing the most significant person in my entire existence, my Beloved Father, I realised that I had to embark on this journey alone.

Dad always tried to inspire me to release the grip of the past and had unwavering faith in my abilities.

However, my stubbornness prevented me from relinquishing the chains that bound me, causing me to endure immense suffering and miss out on the chance to liberate myself.

If only I had embraced forgiveness and let go of resentment, he would have witnessed the remarkable transformation that has taken place within me today.

As I continue to navigate the delicate art of nurturing friendships, I have adopted a more optimistic approach.

Exercise caution when choosing your companions, as they can greatly impact your well-being. 

While socialising with friends, you’ll inevitably acquire valuable knowledge and insights. 

Our friends have the power to shape us, both positively and negatively. 

Are the individuals you surround yourself with contributing to your personal growth?

Loyalty from your companions will ultimately bring you great rewards.

Genuine companions, unlike fake friends, genuinely celebrate your successes without a hint of jealousy or accusations of showing off. They wholeheartedly support your accomplishments and cheer you on.

And when it’s their turn to shine, you gladly shower them with praise and admiration, because true friendship is built on mutual support and genuine happiness for one another’s achievements.

Today, I find myself brimming with confidence, ready to forge genuine connections and cultivate true friendships.

However, I still grapple with the constraint of time, struggling to manage it effectively.

As for romantic relationships, I am not yet prepared to embark on that journey.

Nevertheless, one can never say never, for perhaps in the future, fate may bless me with someone who will put me first.

Yet, I am content with the present situation and the way things unfold in my life.

In everything, there must be a balance.

Natalie Bleau 

Scripture of Balance 

1 comment
  • Denise
    November 18, 2023

    Wonderful writing from the heart. Open, honest, true.

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