God is in my pause!
My description of the pause is the silence that seems so loud. This is the time when, a problem that I have been hiding from resurfaces.
The struggle to try not to allow myself to be sucked under is vitally important. I can either distract my mind away from the thought or face it.
I found that in today’s society, the fast pace of life does not allow us to take care of our inner self.
We seem to be functioning on auto pilot most of the time. We spend most of our waking time, working to keep a roof over our heads and food on our plates.
I had spent most of my life not wanting to face my biggest problem. (ME) I thought I could continue living my life by distracting myself .
I would always make sure that my social life was busy, so that I had no time to have to think or feel anything.
There is only so much the human mind can file away before it all comes to the surface, and you find you can no longer blot it out.
Give me physical pain over mental or emotional pain any day.
I found that by drinking alcohol and smoking drugs was a temporary fix for when things got too bad.
I have always been my own worst enemy. I was destructive in my thoughts and actions.
My purpose was not to hurt others only myself. I had enough self-hate to want to destroy myself.
As an empath, I would be there for anyone who needed help emotionally and physically.
The old-fashioned way was not to encourage people to dwell on life’s negatives, but just to get them to just get on with it.
I believe that this is the reason we have a lot of cases of depression and other mental illnesses.
The build-up of negative emotions becomes overwhelming, things we had not dealt with in our past come back to haunt us.
Some of us feel that we will be judged or condemned for sharing such personal matters of the mind.’
There comes a time in our life when we have to deal with that pause, usually it is not until all things fall apart.
My awakening was the doctor who told me that I was going to die if I continued the way I was going.
I have also been threatened by the psychiatrist, with being committed for life because of what I did and said to other medical professionals.
Although I love socialising with people, I definitely do not want to be institutionalised with them. I shudder with the thought of living with anyone let alone sharing a ward.
The death part was not going to be easy. It would take a lot of immense suffering, as I was regularly, in and out of the accident and emergency rooms.
I have been in different therapies for the last ten years and I always knew that the only way I could heal was for me to start accepting my illness.
People say therapies don’t work. But you have to be willing to engage and accept that you will get worse before you get any closer to getting better. It is mostly down to you.
You can live in denial for an exceedingly long time, but you will find yourself in a far worse position eventually.
I thought that by ignoring the pause, I would never have to face up to my inner problems.
There is always going to be a time in your life, when you will get bored, and the problems will resurface. You will have no choice but to deal with them.
I have had friends who took their own lives because they did not want to go down the therapy route.
It is not straight forward; it’s going to bring up your traumatic past. The advantage is that it will help you to accept and deal with it.
I learnt that you must never blame yourself if a person decides to end it all. You can encourage them, but the decision is theirs to make.
When your mind is set on this action you are right on the edge of sanity and no reasoning is going to change that.
There is a possibility that I could be there again as I have been there way too often. But I always pray that I will never find myself there again.
I am a survivor. I am a warrior , as the fight is never going to be over.
It took me years to accept my condition. I suffer mania and psychotic episodes. I have my dark days and nights and have to force myself back into the light.
But the difference now is that I am here, in the pause. I no longer file away the thoughts for another day. I write them down and try my best to put things into perspective. Thoughts are not always facts.
I have a good enough reason to fight for my life. I now see that my purpose in life is to help others and to encourage them to deal with their pause.
I believe that I had these experiences, so that I am able to show my appreciation for life. I am alive today, able to listen and encourage others to find a way forward.
I am a truly fortunate human being; I am blessed with the insight and the ability to be able to develop myself and others.
GOD IS IN MY PAUSE!
I no longer feel I have to run away from myself.
I have the support of medical professionals, who are happy to hear me out. (That was something I had to fight for)
I am still learning new techniques of how to manage when help is not available, even if it means just staying in my safe place inside my head.
I am not one to boast or brag. It is incredibly hard to even come this far in treatment, there is always a possibility that a trigger may bring me back down into the darkness.
I just stand grateful for when I am feeling more balanced at any given time. Whether it be half an hour to a day. That is the reality of my struggle.
In everything there must be a balance
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance
