Definition: An indecisive person who has been alienated, uncaring, confused, or helpless in conjunction with experiencing deliberating emotions such as worry, fear, panic, and despair.
Christmas was the wakeup call that I needed to deal with the side of myself that I continuously avoided.
I have dealt with a lot of tough subjects throughout my journey of healing but failed to deal with the last part which is my behaviour and attitude towards relationships/friendships.
I admit that it is all because of my insecurity of bearing my soul to another human being. I feel that I am open to hurt, criticism and shame. I do not feel that I am a complete person.
The funny thing is that I have been told repeatedly that I am not affectionate but cold and emotionless, but sadly I continued to behave in such a manner.
I have held on to my sad times so that I didn’t have to face the present. This was a guarantee to make sure that I would never succeed in getting fully involved with anyone.
I sabotaged relationships/friendships. The only person who knew the real me, was my Father, before he died, he said ‘treat them like human beings’
This is my defence mechanism so as to avoid any kind of submission. I would never move forward and leave with less repercussions.
I have built up a brick wall around everyone and have refused to commit to anything or anyone.
Admittedly my fears stem from my teenage years. I was trapped in a situation of constant unhappiness with no escape strategy.
It has shaped my future with the choices that I have made.
When I left home, I began to resent anyone who invaded my space or privacy. I lived my life by my own standards and rules. I refuse to let anyone take control of me.
I acknowledge the truth now. I am not free. I am psychologically influenced by the negative things I have been told in my past.
I have had the experience of someone staying with me for a short while and I know that it does not work. I wanted to run away from my own home. I felt suffocated and one thing I will never tolerate is adjusting to someone else’s norm.
I decided to write off any hope of a serious relationship as it would mean putting someone else’s interests before mine.
In my mid-twenties I had already resigned myself to never having a committed relationship . I did not want the responsibility of looking after another human being. So, I kept it simple.
My freedom has come at a cost where I will never share my life with anyone else because my mental health cannot accommodate any more complications.
I am not afraid to be by myself I have felt alone within myself, all my life.
I am emotionally crippled, so I have had to step back and accept the therapy I refused. I deserve to be loved and to free myself from all the negative behaviours that I have learned.
Today I have taken the first step by acknowledging my faults and taking up the offer of being counselled.
All is not lost I have a chance of a new beginning in the future.
That’s a start.
My message is this:
DON’T LET THOSE WHO HURT YOU IN THE PAST HOLD YOU BACK FROM WHAT YOU DESERVE!!
In everything there must be a balance
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance
