In life there are many struggles. For instance, you could be in unhappy relationship for years and stick around because of your own insecurity or low self-esteem.
I went into my first intimate relationship as a good Christian girl with a strict moral upbringing. I had the notion that I would get married and have children. It didn’t cross my mind that it may not be what I really wanted or that the relationship would even work out.
I came with a lot of problems, low self-esteem, lack of confidence and a suspicious paranoid delusional mind. I had been taught that men only wanted to use and abuse you.
This was probably true through the eyes of someone who went through that experience but should have not become a generalised statement for a young girl just starting out.
Any relationship that I was in was doomed to fail as I already had the suspicion and paranoia and never gave anyone the benefit of the doubt. In fact, I pushed everyone away. I was never comfortable with sexual intimacy as in my mind it was deemed as without marriage it was immoral.
I have experienced the feeling of betrayal as I was in and out of that same relationship for over twelve years. He was my first and when I had broken it off after a few years he started another relationship with someone and failed to inform me when I decided to come back.
He was a respectful hardworking guy who could not understand why I showed no affectionate towards him and came across as cold. He was three years older than me and was familiar with the ways of the world whereas I was just an innocent God-fearing girl.
I found out the truth through my female intuition and had approached the girl before I even knew that we were seeing the same guy. She was much older and more experienced than me.
When things all fell apart, she went away, and I stayed in contact with him as I knew him first.
We talked things through, and he was ashamed of his actions, and I knew it was not in his nature because of his upbringing.
He was never a nasty person he was totally the opposite. I knew that he would never be able to redeem himself, but I still found myself back in that relationship because I thought that I really loved him.
I had many admirers that I could have dated but I felt that I wanted to stick to the person that I lost my innocence to and already knew. The relationship was already marred so I would not face any more surprises.
When I look back on it, I wished that I had started therapy as I did not know how to balance a relationship. Where I thought I had feelings I realise today it was just infatuation.
The other thing I knew is that because I was a very unhappy child, I was craving attention and love from this guy who could not live up to it. If we did marry it would have been a total disaster.
In the last years of the relationship, we just stayed friends as I did not feel it was worth my while. What I did not know is that he thought that we were working towards having a future together.
I was already in the dating game and when he found out I never saw him again. It’s been over ten years now.
I am glad that I went through that experience as it made me stronger, and I know that I will be never become attached to anyone again.
My mental health wasn’t great back then and I did not feel the counselling, I had at nineteen when I was suicidal, would work.
All these years I had remained in my miserable existence and kept everybody at arm’s length because that is the only way I could cope.
The only person that I trusted was my Father because he never put me down. I knew how much he loved and cared about me.
The truth of the matter is all the problems that I had in my life I blamed on the lack of being loved by my mother and being ill-treated by my siblings.
I had held on to too many resentments and failed to take responsibility for my own happiness. I was too pessimistic and breathed negativity.
I regret living my life this way because I have missed a lot of opportunities if only, I had the therapies that I had been offered for the past few years.
I was my own worst enemy and sometimes I still am.
I can never get back the years that I have wasted existing rather than living but I can improve my life by managing my mental health and putting my message across to encourage others who have been locked away in the darkness to get help.
Help is available more today than it has ever been and if I can encourage someone to reduce their time of mental and emotional suffering that is what I will do.
I am fifty years old, and I have only started living with contentment for the past few years, I have given up trying to end my life because I have found a purpose, something to live for.
I do not put my hope in anyone else than the God of my understanding. I live by my own balanced rules and as long as I am not hurting anybody or myself, I am simply happy to just be.
I found myself a way of dissecting my irrational thoughts. I have my own little lab which is my own brand ‘Scripture of Balance’ and it’s been running for nearly two years.
I no longer have to rely on anyone to make me feel better about myself. I am a confident person who can speak up for herself without arrogance or ignorance. I just tell it as it is for me.
I am not living in my own shadow. Today I know who I am and what I aspire to be.
Although I am enthusiastic about encouraging people, I know that there has to be a balance so that people know their boundaries.
In everything there must be a balance.
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance.
