GOD, FORGIVE MY STUPIDITY

December 30, 2023
7 min read

In the journey of my life, I have encountered missteps along the way. 

However, I am grateful that these errors have not etched themselves permanently into my existence, burdening my path towards the future.

I am delighted to declare that I have gleaned valuable lessons from those experiences and have wholeheartedly forgiven myself for the time and energy I squandered.

Moving forward, I am determined to avoid making the same mistakes again.

In the journey of life, inevitably, we will occasionally make regrettable decisions, and unfortunately, these choices often come at a high price.

If only I possessed the knowledge and wisdom I possess now, I would have refrained from squandering my precious time and energy on futile endeavours.

Instead, I would have diligently focused on honing my skills and talents, recognising the areas where I excel.

I would have sought therapy at an earlier stage to address my perspective on friendships, and understanding the importance of nurturing healthy connections. 

Perhaps I would have abstained from entering relationships, unburdened by concerns about appearing unconventional.

Moreover, I would have embraced forgiveness for the mistakes of the past, liberating myself to live a life that truly resonates with my desires and aspirations.

As you may have observed, I deliberately avoided using the phrase ‘could of’ and instead used ‘would of’. This shift in my mindset marks a significant transformation that I have undergone today.

Throughout my existence, I have always prioritised the approval and satisfaction of others, leaving no room for personal fulfilment. Consequently, I found myself drifting further and further away from my authentic self.

However, amidst this facade, there was one aspect of my life that remained genuine: the profound love I held for my Father. 

He held the utmost significance in my life. Whenever I found solace in his presence, I could shed the layers of pretence and embrace my identity. His unwavering love and immense pride in me were the only moments where I felt truly seen and accepted.

As I reflect on the connections in my life, I realise that they have often been characterised by unhealthy choices. I must admit, that I have never truly dedicated myself to any friend or partner, and regrettably, that remains unchanged even to this day. 

Prioritising such commitments has never been at the forefront of my mind.

I am fortunate to have a remarkable companion who truly comprehends me.

She has been an integral part of my personal growth, consistently motivating me to embrace my unique abilities and celebrate my accomplishments.

The precious moments we share sporadically are never squandered; we ensure that they are always filled with purpose and meaning.

Over the past few months, I’ve had the pleasure of forming meaningful connections with a handful of individuals who share my unique perspective.

The respect I hold for them is unparalleled, as they too possess the ability to think beyond conventional boundaries.

It’s a refreshing experience, as my sister Michelle has been the only other person in my life who shares this extraordinary trait.

We transcend the limitations of sight and sound, immersing ourselves in the exquisite wonders of the natural world.

The true magnificence lies in the profound encounters shared with them, for they exist on a wavelength that eludes comprehension by the majority. 

These experiences offer a transcendent education, unveiling a realm of knowledge beyond ordinary perception.

These individuals are the ones who have attained spiritual enlightenment. Among us, there are no walls, no biases, and only a profound reverence for one another.

Our minds remain steadfast, impervious to the sway of others’ beliefs, criticisms, or opinions.

We possess the wisdom to discern and disregard the limited perspectives of narrow-minded individuals.

Engaging in futile debates with the spirit of ignorance drains my precious energy.

I choose to channel my efforts towards matters of greater significance, ones that nourish my mind and create a positive impact.

We must acknowledge that not everyone is attuned to this elevated frequency, and sadly, their voyage may remain unfulfilled until their final moments.

I often find myself yearning for an earlier initiation into this profound spiritual journey, yet I realise now that I needed to traverse the depths of all that was wrong to unearth the true essence of who I am.

It’s as if you’re being pulled towards your destiny, compelled to heed the inner voice urging you to shed your old facade and embrace a transformative journey towards discovering your authentic self.

From the moment we enter this world, we find ourselves entangled in a web of external influences, dictating who we should be and shaping us into mere replicas of others.

We blindly accept everything presented as truth, regardless of evidence or validity.

We seek solace in substances like alcohol and drugs, mistakenly believing that they offer a gateway to spiritual enlightenment. We are merely postponing our true growth and understanding.

Our society remains fractured, torn apart by prejudices, racism, and the incessant need for criticism and opinions to govern our lives. We have become a nation divided, surrendering our individuality to the whims of others.

We succumb to temptation with alarming ease, only to carry the weight of regret throughout our lifetimes.

As humans, we are prone to making mistakes; however, our responses to these errors vary greatly. 

While some of us embrace the opportunity to learn and grow, others find themselves trapped in a cycle of repeating past blunders.

Regrettably, we often fall short in the realm of self-love.

Instead of nurturing a deep appreciation for ourselves, we tend to punish both ourselves and those around us. 

This lack of understanding and absence of self-compassion hinder our ability to foster genuine love and care for our beings.

I must confess, it seems as though I’ve been confined within the walls of a prison for a staggering 47 years of my existence.

However, it has taken an arduous three-year journey of relentless dedication to attain this heightened state of awareness.

During this time, I have deliberately shut out external influences, opinions, and meddling, solely concentrating on my being.

This pursuit has led me to the discovery of my genuine, unadulterated self. 

I have delved deep into my core, unravelling my authentic preferences and aversions.

Above all, I have embraced a newfound honesty with myself, unafraid to confront the truths that lie within.

Yet, I must emphasise that this transformative process is far from painless or instantaneous. 

It is an ongoing endeavour, devoid of any quick fixes.

Each day presents its challenges, demanding unwavering commitment and resilience.

Writing about my passion is what drives me, igniting a fire that fuels my creativity.

In search of equilibrium, I yearn to find the missing piece that completes the puzzle of my existence.

No longer shall I tolerate the imposition of others’ opinions, dictating how I should perceive or experience any matter.

Reclaiming the reins of my life, I am determined to revoke the power I once granted to those who sought to control me.

As I reshape my thoughts and liberate my mind, I will unlock the ability to fully embrace and celebrate my authentic self.

In everything, there must be a balance.

Natalie M Bleau

Scripture of Balance

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