If I could only struggle with myself once in a while, it would be beatable, but it is as regular as the hour of the clock.
I feel like I am under attack everyday with my anxieties and unhealthy thinking.
I have to manage the fight to keep my sanity. The struggle to keep a positive mindset. The mental strain of trying to disregard those negative voices going around in my head.
I have to try and argue with myself, to justify why I should just stay under my duvet in the morning.
I fight to psychologically keep on top of my physical wear and tear pain.
Mentally, it is my manic depression and anxieties around my family. Things that I have no control over which I am trying to manage.
Emotionally, it is my grief around the loss of my Beloved Father. The relationship we had was irreplaceable.
Physically is the pain that does not allow me to sleep at night. I only take painkillers before my boxing training.
Spiritually, it is for me to retain a balance between the three. In every one of my blogs, I speak of trying to maintain a balanced life. But when you have a hole in your soul it can be ten times harder.
I suffer badly from insomnia; I look and feel like a zombie every morning. It has got so bad that I have to take power naps throughout the day between my work and studies.
I refuse to take sleeping tablets because of my addictive behaviour, and if I am knocked out, I am at the risk of causing more damage to my cervical spine.
I try to keep my medication intake down to a minimum as I am already on pills for my mental illness.
The other battle I face is that the world is not sterile enough for me. I have a nervous disposition around dirty places and unhygienic people. It has trebled over the Pandemic.
The lack of thorough, hand washing is on the top of my list. This is the easiest practice to get yourself into.
I would not say it is an obsession it is who I am.
People are free to live their lives in however they want as long as they respect my space.
I rarely invite people into my home because of this. I like to be able to feel comfortable and relaxed in my own home, without having to worry about the grime that people may bring in from outside.
The worst part is when I have to prepare myself to go outside. My mind is calculating the risk factors that I have to be aware of.
Shoes are for walking outside, but I always wipe my feet when entering a building. I am mindful of all the filth we come into contact with on the streets.
Reading this even makes me feel sicker. It is not a complicated way for me to live, constantly looking under my shoes and looking for puddles to step into.
It is incredibly stressful for me, it makes me physically ill, that I would rather isolate myself from people.
My family are fully aware of my discomfort, they are similar but more balanced, they respect my space.
I know I am not alone, there are many sufferers out there in this world.
I went for a break in Hastings with my mother. We decided to stick to the same hotel we used before the pandemic as it was immaculate.
We arrived at the hotel reception to get our card, and on entering our double room, were in complete shock that we could not even find our voices.
It was like a room that had not been cleaned for an exceptionally long time. There was mould, grime, and dust everywhere. The furniture was shabby.
My mind was telling me to check out and look for another accommodation elsewhere. But I found my legs taking me downstairs to the reception to ask for a vacuum cleaner.
We spent the first hour cleaning the bedroom and bathroom before we could even settle.
It was refreshing to know that we were not alone. We had many people complaining to us about the service.
In a balanced way, I think it is down to the individual what they class as acceptable.
Everyone has different standards of living, and I guess mine may just be over the top.
In everything there must be a balance.
The Scripture of Balance