MY GAMOPHOBIA!
It did not take me long to realise that life was never going to be smooth sailing.
As a child, I was never exposed to the soul-destroying problems that were awaiting me, outside the protection of my parents, but I somehow had the tools to prepare myself for the imperfect world around me.
I was never a happy person, I spent most of my time feeling sorry for myself and being resentful for the things that I felt were unfair in my childhood.
I had no interest in relationships and never really started dating till I was nineteen.
I can never say that I have had feelings of romantic love with anyone as I was so suspicious of everyone. If anything, I could say I was infatuated with my very first boyfriend and what I thought was serious was delusional. The relationship was doomed from the start and was the longest relationship I would ever have.
Today I can understand what had happened, I was young, naive and did not even know what love was. The only regret I have is not leaving earlier. He was a respectful, nice guy, ticked most of the boxes, by my standards, but we were not on the same page.
I am really thankful to the almighty that I did not get married and raise a family as this would have seemed like a sentence to me, and I would not be where I am at today.
I used to enjoy fairy tales as an innocent child, but we never needed to think of how complicated a relationship really is. No two people are alike and it’s all about give and take. I just had a fear of being stuck and living a lie.
I decided a long time ago that if I did not meet a man with the qualities that my Father held, I would never marry.
My Father’s family always asked my mother why I did not marry, and the answer would always be no one was good enough.
Once a person reaches thirty, they are set in their ways and there is no way you can change that. What you have is the good, the bad and the ugly. I am who I am!
I decided a long time ago that I would never have children or get married because I did not want to feel trapped or lose my identity as an individual. I have always been a responsible person, but I never wanted in extra responsibilities, call me selfish, I was not interested in being a slave to anyone else.
I never in my life felt a sense of belonging other than with my Father.
When I lost my Beloved Father, almost five years ago, everything I held dear went with him. I admit I was emotionally dependent on him but now I have to take it from here. The love I had for him was unconditional and he was my world.
That is what love was to me, a sense of feeling complete, selfless, respect, trust, honesty, wisdom & sound advice, security & acceptance. No matter what I did I still felt loved.
Someone had said to me the other day “ never say never’’ , my answer was, it would have to take divine intervention to ever change my mind.
I have gratitude for the life I have today, I live independently, I am my only responsibility.
My family are my priorities and over the past few years I have gained an amazing circle of friends with gifted, selfless people with amazing positive mindsets, I see them as my second family, they encouraged me to embrace my life and try to make a difference.
In everything there must be a balance and I believe if you marry for the right reasons and with good intentions there is every reason to stay together.
I see marriage as a serious, big step to take in your lives without giving it much thought, it’s not for everyone.
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance
