They say you live and learn, but do you apply the lesson to your life?
For me to even write this is because we all have felt powerless. The worst part is living to please others and forgetting about ourselves.
As a child, I was a tomboy. I was not keen on dolls and liked matchbox toys and playing with my cousins, who were mainly boys.
As a teenager, I still identified as a boy; l had no interest in hanging around giggling girls who focused on impressing boys.
My body was more like a twelve-year-old at 18. The doctors were baffled and suggested putting me on hormonal treatment, but I did not care to grow up too fast, so I refused.
I am grateful that my body was late in maturing, as I did not have any ideas about relationships and never really cared for them.
After dating for a year, my first experience of intimacy happened when I was twenty. I felt under pressure to be normal, so I did the deed.
That was the first mistake I made as I did the very thing. I swore to wait until I was mature enough to know I was ready.
Then came the self-disgust and self-hate as I continued living as a fake version of myself to keep the relationship going.
I was young and naive and just wanted to feel close to someone.
It has taken me most of my life to become true to myself. ‘My body is my temple.’ Today, I have started my journey to being true to myself.
It is hard enough to be respected in this world, and as a woman, I would like to think that I have no skeletons in my closet to defame my character. I have become an open book to the struggles I have been through in my mind.
It is bad enough that women undergo hormonal changes throughout their lives. The pain of childbirth and having to be solely responsible for the children. If they have an absent partner, then it is even harder.
Some women still get treated as second-class citizens even in the western world. It may not be obvious to some, but you must see how some men view them.
‘I would rather be seen as a plain-looking woman than an object to be used for domestic slavery or a thing to be defiled.
‘I am not vain; I just like to be clean in anything I wear. It means I have self-respect.’
I do not judge what other women do, as it is none of my business. It is down to the individual how they choose to live as long as they are happy.
Throughout my life, I have always been headstrong, and I am not the type of woman who allows anyone to control, intimidate or manipulate me.
My attitude and way of thinking have changed over the years. The beauty of it all is my obsession with balance.
I used to take a pessimistic view of things, but today I dissect every situation and try to find a balanced perspective.
I have studied human behaviour and why people enjoy their destructive, toxic nature. It makes them feel they have much power over everyone until someone takes the rug from under their feet.
There is no power in wrecking other people’s lives. It just shows that you are empty and can only thrive on the misery of others.
The only way forward is to look at a situation where you feel powerless and question whether you want to regain control. Be true to yourself. Look out for your well-being first.
Step outside of the situation if someone is pressuring you to behave like them. Don’t let someone undermine your treasured values or beliefs.
I want to live the rest of my life positively impacting many people who have struggled with living, whether terminally ill or suffering from depression. That is all I can find in redemption.
In everything, there must be a balance.
Natalie Bleau
Scripture of Balance.
