An alcoholic is someone who is addicted to the consumption of alcohol, alcohol dependent.

NB. This is a thought provoker from my own experience of 3years and 4 months of sobriety.

I was never a heavy drinker in my 20s and 30s. I used to enjoy the night life, dancing, three times a week. I enjoyed my poison  which was Light rum with blackcurrant juice.

I had full control over how much I consumed, and my body knew when to stop. I would get myself tipsy and then move on to drinking water.

Back then I never drunk at home. I never had a drinking problem.

I have been  under the community mental health team since 2007 and I was trying to manage my depressive illness as well as my manic state.

The medicinal habit started in 2013 when I was working a stressful job, although I did not excessively drink , I used drink to calm my mind. (As written in my blog Psychologically Addicted)

It then went from a glass of port a night and over the months escalated to a bottle of red wine a night. I would buy eight bottles a week so that I always had one in reserve.

I would enjoy smoking cigarettes and weed, of an evening, to calm my nerves. 

I knew that I was damaging my health, but I was too deep in my  depression to be bothered. It got worse around the time my Beloved Father was diagnosed with metastatic stage IV cancer in 2014. I was using alcohol to try and numb my emotions only to find that I was just delusional.

After my Father lost his fight to cancer in February 2017, six days after his birthday, it gave me more of a reason not to live.

My life was spent visiting the ED on a regular basis because of gastritis and also attempts of overdosing. I was in and out of the Mental Health Day Hospital hoping that my body would eventually succumb to the abuse I put it through.

I had the thirst to drink like  my body depended on it, when I didn’t drink, I was unable to function because I was nauseous, and my hands would shake.

Whenever I went out with family and friends, I was more interested in drinking than eating. Just seeing a local bar on my travels was my medicine.

On October 2018, I went to a rehab clinic and today I have 3 years, 4 months of sobriety.

I attend AA meetings, but to this day I have questioned myself as to whether It was a temporary time of my insanity.

I have never needed alcohol for confidence only to help me calm my mind and sleep better. 

Could I pick up a drink today and drink responsibly? I haven’t got the answer to that and so I do not intend to even try it.

I feel much happier without the hangovers, the regular time -wasting visits to the emergency department.

 The best part is that I have since grown and learned to face up to my problems, I feel free to be me, without caring about any judgement or criticism from others.

I am full of gratitude and am very much in touch with myself. 

I still suffer from mania and depression but with the right tools and engaging with the mental health team I am managing my life as best as I can.

It is one of the hardest things I ever had to do was find my true, reconditioned self. 

Looking after myself has given me the ability to have enough reserves to help my family and other genuine people in need.

I have been going to AA as much as I can in the past years.

I have also realised that some people have sobriety, but they still shackled with the same characteristics in their behaviour that they had when they said they were drinking.

I used to look up to people in the rooms, but I figured that just because someone has more years than you, it  does not mean that they know everything.

We all can say that we are  on a spiritual journey, that we have a higher power. Actions speak louder than words.

Its like saying you go to church on Sunday, and claim you are a practicing Christian, but not for the rest of the week

I never went through any of the steps with a sponsor as I never felt I needed to. I was already undergoing therapy for my mental health, but subconsciously,  I had already been taking things on board.

Should it be mandatory for those who are still carrying resentments, and not willing to improve as a better person?

A person can tell a war story over and over again but without embracing change they may as well still be drinking.

They may not be prisoners of the poison, but they have become prisoners of their negative selves and way of thinking.

Prisoners of envy, jealousy and always competing and  comparing themselves with others.

One thing that I have learnt in life is that you have to think for yourself and put in a lot of spiritual, mental, and physical challenging work to try to become a better version of yourself.

If you think that you are a nice person today, think of being an even nicer person tomorrow, and every day.

You are the author of your own story and its up to you if you want to be seen as a warrior battling through and learning new things or just someone who will cease to develop.

Natalie Bleau

Scripture of Balance

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