I believe that once you face your inner demons, only then you take back the power that it holds over you hence reducing your fears.
Sometimes I have this nightmare that I am being chased by some kind of entity up an endless staircase. I was once asked by my Psychologist, ‘why don’t you stop running and face it?’
I believed that during a nightmare if you faced your fear you would die in real-time. I guess I have watched too much Freddy Krueger.
I used to believe that I was a seer. I knew exactly what was going to happen and most of the time it did. Whether it was for me or someone else.
Sometimes in life we see ourselves in a hopeless situation, we hang on, hoping by some miracle, it will improve. Deep down we know that is never going to happen.
We stay in the situation knowing that either way it’s going to have a negative effect on us. If we leave it hurts if we stay it’s going to be harder overall.
The option to stay buys us time before the inevitable, we are already defeated, but holding on in hope of the miracle of change.
I am speaking from a lived experience, bear in mind I was a very and naive, nineteen-year-old. I thought that because I was raised to be a respectable lady that my life would become like a fairy-tale.
This was my first relationship as I never really had any interest in dating. I just thought it was fashionable to have a partner.
The truth is, I thought that I was in love with this person and believed that because they were also from a respectable family we were meant to be together forever.
I had zero experience of romance or any other intimacy as I always held back, as I had learnt not to trust anyone. It was not only based on other people’s stories of bad experiences, but it was also a part of me that has always been suspicious and paranoid.
The relationship went way past its expiry date, it did not end on bad feelings we remained friends for a long time afterwards but when I started dating again, they left.
When I mention, facing my inner demons, I mean facing the frightening truth about who I am and exactly what I try to hide away from.
The truth hurts, the fact I have never in my life felt any kind of romantic feeling towards anyone, the earth has never moved, I have never felt butterflies in my stomach. Is there something wrong with me?
I genuinely love people but have never felt the ‘in love’ as I do not even understand what that is all about. Do I apologise for feeling different?
The purest love I will always have is for my Beloved Father, and my committed love for my Mother and the rest of my family.
I could no longer live my life pretending that I would someday commit my life to anybody else. Children, although I adore them, did not fit into the equation as I did not want to make a mess of their lives with my complicated self.
I admit I do not fit into societies definition of the normal, I have always had plenty of friends. I must admit I love my own company so a few hours with a friend is enough for me.
This all may seem crazy to the reader, but this is who I have had to live with all my life, and I guess as I have got older it makes a lot more sense to me.
Today, I am facing my own demons, I am accepting the reality that I will always be alone within myself.
The precious gift I have in life is the nature that God has given me.
I love the fact that I have been granted time on this earth to try and make a change, with my passion for wanting to stand up for a cause, to be the voice of reason and give others a chance to be heard. That is my calling.
In everything there must be a balance, even though I have my purpose, I have to balance it with everyday life so that I have time to enjoy my family and friends.
Life is too short, and I just want to live it and spread my love to all those who need it.
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance
