We all live in hope that our lives will be filled with health and happiness, but the reality we face is that there will come a time when there are going to be a lot of challenges ahead such as sickness, suffering and eventually death. Nobody is immune from the latter.
My pessimism always sinks in when I have an issue with my health, and it takes a long time for me to recover from the anxieties that deeply set in.
I have been through many of these challenges where I have been afraid to go to visit the doctor’s surgery in hope that the problem would just go away. To pacify my family, I make the appointment and I feel much worse when they tell me I am being referred to see a specialist.
My anxiety increases very quickly, and I sit there as if I am on death row. In my mind I have already decided that the results are going to show that I have a terminal illness.
I am not panicking because I am going to die it is more about the suffering and the worry of those that need me, that I am leaving behind. Who is going to look out for them the way that I have been doing?
All these thoughts come into my mind and my dreams become focussed on the pending result of the test and what is going to happen next.
I have already decided my fate and that if I am going to die in pain that I would end the torture earlier. I have all my papers in order, so everything is covered.
I have to manage my imbalanced mind on a daily basis and to be given a death sentence of a sufferable incurable disease I know that I would not be able to cope with it.
Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and although I am strong in many ways, if I find that there is no hope, I do not wish to continue living this life.
In theory I am in the dark about the unknown and with the referral I have already started to ruminate on the worst-case scenario, as if to protect myself for those damning words of ‘I am sorry to tell you that …’
People can be positive for you and make you feel good by words of encouragement and comfort. For me that is only a short reprieve as after a couple of hours my mindset is back to torturing me with worry and even having bad dreams.
The problem is the way I have rationalised it becomes my truth with the added symptoms that I have looked up on the internet.
I lose my appetite for eating; I do not want to read or do the things that I enjoy. It triggers my, already, imbalanced mind as I sink into a depressive state. I isolate myself from the rest of the world and stay in my bedroom with the curtains shut.
All of my hope is gone, and I am in a state of flight rather than fight even though there is no evidence yet of what is going on with me.
The approach that I should have taken is to acknowledge that the doctor fast- tracked me to see a specialist so that they could rule out anything that was untoward at an early stage.
I have not even started my investigation so I cannot be certain that I have a terminal illness and for me to give up so early on is irrational behaviour.
When it comes to other people falling ill, I am incredibly positive for them. I encourage and support them.
So, I would strongly advise that we should stay off the internet and go to the professionals for a real diagnosis as this is the rational way and will save us from unnecessary worry.
In everything there must be a balance.
Natalie Bleau The Scripture of Balance
I have been following your journey, i bought your book and for you to feel the lack of hope in the face of illness is expected with your health condition. I am amazed how you have managed to come this far.