Over the years I have always kept journals of the moments when my mind was full of painful and tortured thoughts. The reason being that I could look back and see how far I have positively improved.
The journals dated from 2006 when my late Father went to live in Dominica and ended in 2018 after my last failed attempt of trying to die.
I stopped writing down my thoughts in a journal and decided to explore each thought by writing, on Medium.
Getting rid of the journals had to be at the right time and after 4 years of storing these books with no real purpose. It was time to clear out all the painful memories.
It was the first week in July 2022 when I had a day of clearance. Old diaries would be shredded, and the journals would be destroyed differently.
I believe in doing my own personal rituals and so I got a basin full of disinfectant and tore up all the sheets of paper and left them to melt. I then threw them in the bin.
I admit I felt relieved after that process and enjoyed the rest of my day.
A few days later I realised that something was missing in my head. I began to have a feeling of dread that something bad was going to happen. I attended my Art Therapy class and was asked to draw how I feel…..
In the time we had to create an art piece of work I subconsciously drew a pastel drawing of a forest with the shadow people. These shadows represented the things that are trying to block the light from shining in. In other words, to keep me in the darkness.
Over the next few days, it took me time to process this thought that came into my mind. I realised that I was trying to find something else to replace the space in my head where I had cleared out the clutter.
It was almost like I am not giving myself permission to be happy and to move onwards and upwards. I was looking for something else negative to think about.
There is so much pain in what I had written over the years and having to allow myself to start healing from these traumatic experiences is going to be a long process and that is why I felt that my first step was to destroy the documentation.
I spoke to my sister Michele and told her how I was feeling, and she gave me her words of wisdom.
I realised that maybe I do not feel I deserve to be happy or to have positive thoughts because I have been so used to living in my own miserable existence.
What we have to realise is that no matter what physical or practical changes we make in our lives does not mean that are mental or emotional problems will disappear. We have to manage our thoughts and feelings.
Remember thoughts are not facts.
In everything there must be a balance.
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance
