Yesterday I received a certificate of appreciation from one of the projects that I have been working on throughout the pandemic, supporting people in my community who have mental health concerns, and we have been fortunate to get more funding to continue the work.
Looking back, I would never have believed that I would come this far in life, in fact I wrote myself off as being dead by the age of forty. I spent my whole life full of self-hate and was pessimistic about the future.
I never had any faith in myself or any satisfaction from any of my achievements as I always struggled with being me all my life. I knew from when I was a child that something was not right with me.
I have had traumatic experiences in my young life that I have allowed to control how I behave and think and although I have made a breakthrough over the past few years, I still carry the scars.
I have had all different kind of therapies in the past few years and during my Father’s illness. Psychodynamic therapy definitely had a positive impact on my life.
After my beloved Father died, I knew then that I had to start looking out for myself, as he was my confidante and advisor, I was emotionally dependent on him and no matter how tough life was just talking to him made me feel better. I feel guilty for this as it must have put a lot of pressure on him.
I did not have an established circle of friends that could guide me until I was invited by a good friend to attend conferences all over London, where I met an amazing circle of entrepreneurs who spoke about their struggles and how they overcame them. These people were real to me, and they have been a great encouragement and I really began to look at myself.
These wonderful people, I class as friends, they are successful and have received recognition and awards for their achievements as authors and life coaches.
I had wasted too many years with resentments and basically feeling sorry for myself, I had not really been living just existing. I was never happy with my life and would blame my present on my past. There is one thing about dwelling on the past hurts, knowing you cannot change anything about it , yet still ruminating and allowing yourself to emotionally go through all that hurt of always feeling different, never being good enough and everybody hating on you.
I am not perfect, I never caused any problems, I was just seen as insignificant to the people that mattered at that vulnerable time in my life. They all were my judge, jury, and executioner.
I used to really care about what people would accuse or blame me for, it took me a long time before I actually realised that it was not my problem, it was their way of using me as their emotional punch bag.
The more time I spent with my new circle of friends the more my mindset started to change and eventually the people that I felt wanted to destroy my peace no longer mattered. They became of less importance to me; I had more confidence in myself and the wisdom to let go of anything that would affect my equilibrium.
Today I am three years in sobriety, and I haven’t smoked for nearly eighteen months. I have studied hard and attained eight distinctions in under a year. I am living my purpose and passion with the three different projects I am currently working on.
I was inspired by my Father to write blogs on mental and spiritual health, based on my journey to encourage and support sufferers. My amazing nephew Christopher had also encouraged me to set up my own website.
I am humbly proud of my achievements and where I am today. I wish I could have found my way earlier on in life, been able to be this better version of myself. I understand now that it was not my time.
I am more stable, and I only listen to people who are there to encourage and support me. My Aunt Miriam, who I have mentioned in my blogs before, who is very inspirational and positive, taught me about gratitude and this has helped me see things in a healthier way.
I am not saying that my struggles are completely over there are always going to be setbacks and triggers, but I have to learn how to manage these mindfully.
In everything there must be a balance, everything happens for a reason.
Natalie Bleau
The Scripture of Balance