SADNESS IS A DOMINANT FORCE

According to the dictionary ‘sadness’ is an emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow.

Sadness is an emotion and a feeling that we all experience from time to time in our lives. There is a fundamental difference between the two, feelings are experienced consciously, while emotions manifest either consciously or subconsciously.

Sadness is my daily companion, and never leaves me, the negative thoughts of my mind are automatic and the switch can never be turned off. My favourite saying, ‘it is busier than the M25’, the traffic never slows down and I have to keep up with filing it into many little boxes.

This illness has complicated relationships in my life as I feel I cannot live up to the expectations of others. I am a people person, from a distance, but I am incapable of spending more than a few hours a day in their presence. I get bored very easily and if I do not have my own personal time I get very moody.

I like to spend the majority of my week on my own, I do not like noise and constant chatter. A close friend once told me that, ‘ I was one of those people who liked to hear the ticking of the clock.’ I actually find that amusing, because even that noise irritates me.

Happiness for me is ‘in the moment’ when I am doing something I am passionate about. Happiness is also by focusing on what I am grateful for, my family and the close friends in my life. In addition, of course, my health, my home and the luxuries, that through my hard work, have made things possible, these instil happiness.

The sadness, that stays in my heart every day is the loss of a man who had a positive impact in my life, is my Beloved Father. He was a great influence and gave me the incentive to create this project of blogs to help others.

In my opinion, you never stop grieving, you just learn how to manage it better. When you constantly focus on the loss, you need to remind yourself of the happiness that special person brought to your life. I have my days when I find myself laughing when I think of something my Father did or said. He was a very wise man, and I still ask him for advice today and think of what he would say.

An emotional pain of sadness can bring us right down into the darkness and without guidance, for some, there is no return. A ‘broken heart’ hurts like hell and takes a long time to heal. The best advice I would give to anyone going through hell is to ‘keep going, but surround yourself with positive people who are willing to just be there without even talking.

For me sadness seems to outweigh happiness, especially for people who suffer from depression and anxiety. It is not one of those mental states where a person can say ‘pull yourself together’ when you are feeling sad or low; I don’t believe any one person can change your mood. In this instance, for me, I just like to be left alone for as long as it takes. I am mindful that if I feel the need to talk, I have people I can speak to who have been there.

Emotions can sometimes come through irrational thought and behaviour. I was an innocent, 19 — year — old, who believed that getting married was the icing on the cake. I expected every man to be a gentleman, like my Father, and that romance was like the black & white movies I used to watch with my mother.

Its laughable when I think about it now, standards have changed. I then went on to base every man on my Father. He had all the qualities of a good gentleman and more. My Father always said to me ‘you will never find a carbon copy of me’. He encouraged me to just live my life.

I am a woman in my 40’s, who independently lives alone, by my own rules, the only responsibility I have is for ME. Although that may sound selfish, it sits right with me. It is my choice.

People ask me if I feel sad as I live alone or because I never had any children; the answer is not at all. When I think of the sacrifices and changes people make in their lives to accommodate an extra person, it makes me feel so grateful that I live with myself. Trust me you would not want to live with me, I am too military.

Personally, I love my own space, it suits my health challenges, and it absolutely horrifies me to think of sharing my space with anybody else.

The one thing that upsets me is listening to some of my friends desperately trying to hold on to someone who does not give a damn about them, to the extent that, they would put up with being used and abused. I believe that if you are unhappy and you know the relationship has run its course, you need to find the strength to get out of this toxic situation or you will live a very unhappy existence.

Much of such sadness, we create for ourselves, some of us are vulnerable and are afraid to be on our own. We feel that we are not complete without a significant other. There is no right or wrong in feeling this way, it is great to have companionship.

However, a balance is needed for any kind of relationship to work, one-sided relationships, where one has all the power and control, is a rocky road to failure.

Natalie Bleau,

The Scripture of Balance